not just yet
by earlgreymilktea
Summary: There is just one secret Kenma is keeping to himself. [kurokenmonth: secrets]


**kurokenmonth prompt: secrets**

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Kenma shares everything with Kuroo.

Okay, maybe not _everything,_ but most things. It's been that way since their friendship was established. Food, teammates, sleepover futons, clothes. It helps that they live in such close vicinity to each other. They spend so much time in each other's houses Kenma used to think he had two homes.

It became such a habit to just reach over and grab the half finished water bottle Kuroo is holding towards him, to just take Kuroo's sweater home with him even though he isn't cold anymore, that not even the occasional _Are you dating?_ comments from their peers bother him anymore. He knows that other people's definition of "childhood friends" don't exactly add up to the nearly nonexistent space between Kuroo and Kenma, but it's just how their relationship works.

Ever since it became apparent that Kenma's anxiety isn't ever going to go away, the older of the two has been Kenma's confident in pretty much all aspects of his life. What he can't tell his teachers, parents, never mind peers, he tells Kuroo. The older boy doesn't ever pry or make him talk when he doesn't want to, but he listens with rapt attention Kenma bet his teacher would cry to see. Kuroo's voice is naturally loud, and he's an expert at making conversation, but Kenma knows his deepest darkest secrets are always safe with him.

There's just one secret Kenma is keeping to himself.

He doesn't know when or where it started. It might have been suddenly, like Kenma's suddenly levelled up and unlocked the ability to notice his best friend in this way. Or (more likely), it's always been there, in the background, like afternoon sunlight, warm and comfortable on his skin, slowly changing shades until it's already twilight, and Kenma only notices when a cool breeze caresses his cheek, awakening him from his daydream. Regardless of how it happened, Kenma knows it's there now, he can't unsee it, and even worse, he knows that if he voices it out loud, he can never ever take it back.

Over the years, Kuroo has accumulated a treasure trove of Kenma's secrets, and vice versa. Whenever Kenma wavers over a decision, the first person he seeks advice from is his best friend. When Kenma was still trying to figure things out, his personal boundaries and his triggers, Kuroo was the first to know. When Kenma spent hours clicking through pages on his laptop and finally worked up the courage to confess aloud how he's never been interested in sex and believes he probably never will, Kuroo was the one that heard him. All of Kenma's insecurities, triumphs, brutally bare truths, he has given to Kuroo, trusting his friend to keep locked safe somewhere.

This trust he has also extended back to Kuroo, and his friend uses it just as boldly as he does. He knows all of Kuroo's real thoughts and intentions hiding behind that smirk of his. He knows that Kuroo can't swim and is afraid of what he can't see in the deep dark depths of the deep end. He knows all of his friend's pet peeves, favourites, and most honest wishes. If his teammates could hear what Kuroo admits in the confines of their room, they'd see their captain in a complete new light. For Kenma, however, it's just another side to his friend that allows him to better see the complete picture.

They share everything, which of course means they can read each other easier than those porn magazines Yamamoto stashes in the corner of their locker room. Kenma's eyes are trained for the smallest twitch across the volleyball court, but he knows, just as he knows how to breathe through his nose, that Kuroo's eyes are equally good at picking apart the smallest shift on his face. He knows that even as he continues to act as though nothing is wrong, as though his _entire world hasn't just shifted off its axis_ , eventually Kuroo would notice and address what he cannot find the courage to do so. And when that time comes, Kenma wouldn't shy away. He'd face Kuroo with all he has to offer, no shame, no humiliation, nothing but laying himself bare, just like with any other secret.

So, why then, does Kenma not bring it up himself?

Sitting on Kuroo's floor with the back of his head against his friend's legs, Kenma turns it over and over in his head just like countless times before. He glances away from his gaming device, up at Kuroo's face. The older boy hums to an old song from the radio, expression serene as he flips the pages of his latest book. It's a familiar sight, and Kenma sighs softly to himself. Like this, he is content. And like this, as he turns his eyes back to the digital screen, he will keep this last secret to himself just a little longer.

There is just one secret Kenma cannot tell Kuroo, not yet- that Kenma is in love with his best friend.


End file.
